Final Sentence
by EldonHughes
June, 2010

Season Six:  The Celebrity Pro-Am

“Good evening, and welcome, everybody, to Final Sentence. 

It’s the last episode of the season, and we all know what that means, -- The Celebrity Pro-Am. 

This year’s Pro-Am features, as always, the Unnamed Marksmen, but tonight there are only three of them; three professional shooters. The question on everybody's mind? Who are tonight's celebrity shooters

Let's get right to it. Stepping up to the arena firing line tonight are none other than Former U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney, rocker turned hunting activist Ted Nugent and the lucky and crafty winner of last season’s nationally televised reality series, Base Camp, Mister Mark Shubert.

“While the “Dark Lord” Cheney is the only one of our celebrity contestants with any recorded human hits, the “Nuge” has a long, well documented string of wild animal kills in his digital library.  He’s hosted big game hunts for several television shows and lead expeditions all over the globe. His foundation has also taught thousands of children the proper and safe use of weapons at his annual NRA sponsored summer camps.

“Shubert is well known to the folks at home.  He worked his way up through a field of hungry finalists, demonstrating both expert marksmanship and crafty negotiating skills.  The combination left Mark the last one standing at last season’s Base Camp final telecast. But that was a reality show. This is just reality.

“Most of his fellow Base Camp competitors are on hand for tonight’s live telecast. They are in the crowd, cheering him on as we play Final Sentence.  We’re told that Sheri Tatum, who was injured during an unaired segment of the sixth episode of Base Camp, has regained consciousness and is watching from her hospital bed.  Good luck Sheri, we hope you make a full recovery in time for next hunting season.

“The Unnamed Marksmen, the three trained professionals in this edition of Final Sentence, come to us from the Army, the Navy and the Marine Corp.

“The Green Marksman is an active duty Army Ranger with nine years of excellent service behind him and more than a dozen medals and service citations.  He has been involved in campaigns across the globe, including battling insurgencies in Fallujah, Uzbekistan and Montreal.

“Here’s a surprise. The Blue Marksman, from the United States Navy, is not active duty. He’s a reservist from Anaheim, California; A former Seal Team leader with nearly three decades of service.  Along with being an excellent marksman he is also an underwater demolitions expert.  His service record includes a rack full of medals and service citations. We can’t say exactly how many as most of his missions are still considered classified.

“Another surprise is the Red Marksman.  Unlike his fellow Unnamed Marksmen, the Red Marksman is a recent Marine recruit, having graduated top of his class from boot camp just a few short months ago.  However, a little bird tells me, he may be a recruit, he’s no rookie.  Rumor has it he was drafted by the Marines out of one of the top Chicago street gangs.

“Tonight’s broadcast is brought to you by Marlboro, the official last cigarette of Final Sentence. Marlboro – if you only had one smoke left, wouldn’t you want it to be the best tasting, longest burning brand on the market?  And, by new and improved Red Bull ‘Roid, when you need energy, not reason, reach for the Bull.

“Down in the arena, the six contestants have taken their place around the Remington Final Sentence ammunition wheel.  Six identical cartridges stand upright on the wheel.  In just a few moments our lovely hostess, Cindyie, will spin the wheel.  The anonymous, completely unmarked bullets will slowly revolve around the wheel.  Around and around they go, until coming to rest, completely at random, in front of the contestants, each Marksman will take the bullet in front of their position and chamber the round.  They will then assume their positions on the Firing Line and, when the proper command is given, they will carry out the Final Sentence.

“The condemned participant is twice convicted murderer Tommie Lee Garnier.  After twenty years of appeals and countless free meals on Utah’s Death Row he finally makes his appearance here tonight.

“The Governor is in his box. The Marksmen are ready. The crowd is ready.  We hope you’re ready at home.  Don’t touch that remote. You wouldn’t want to miss it.  When we come back, it’s time to play --Final Sentence.”

 

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